WTF Mate?!

OMG he's so damn cute.... I just cannot help myself sometimes. lol. So this guy. I've known him since middle school. He was always the cute older guy that I couldn't talk to because I was too shy. Recently we've started talking and hanging out. Now he can be a real asshole, but that's only because he says exactly what he thinks. I find it rather refreshing, to be honest. There aren't a lot of guys who will flat out admit they want to see your boobs. lol.

Now, I won't lie, it does get annoying sometimes, but for the most part it's kind of charming. And here's another thing that's kind of important: he recently broke off his engagement. And I know he says he doesn't want to date for awhile. Neither do I. I just want someone to hang out with and talk to and maybe (possibly) hook up with. But I just don't know what he expects or what he's ready for. Ugh, I wish I didn't have such a crush on him. I wish life were simple. "I like you. You like me. Let's date." End of story. Bye bye.

But no. Life isn't like kindergarten. Life is messy and complicated and there's always someone who gets hurt.

Whew.

Wow. It has been a LONG time since I last posted... I wish I could say I have a decent reason, but in reality I just get so darn distracted that I forget that I'm supposed to be posting on here. lol.

So much has happened since my last post. It has been quite a few months after all. Almost a year. I'll attempt to sum up what has gone on since then, but it still might take awhile.

Let's see here... Well, I decided to move back home and drop out of school. So I've been working like a dog since summer. I have two jobs as a waitress. I moved out of my parent's house and into one of my dad's rent houses. No, it is not free. lol .I still pay rent and utilities. I have a cat, Mrs. Norris, who is such a pain in the ass. lol. But I love her. She's my baby girl.

As it pertains to guys, I've gone through a few. lol. Nothing really serious. For the most part it's just me having fun. lol. A couple of them I would even call boyfriends. haha. But nothing has lasted very long.

Now that I've rediscovered my blogs, I think I can guarantee that I'll be posting more often. =]

Glitter Equals Happy.

Welp, I did it.

I broke up with him.

And I actually feel better now that it's over. Like a weight has been lifted off my chest.

Even though he was hurt, I feel like I can live my life and not worry about guys. Which is a fabulous thing.

No guys=more happiness.

No guys means less drama.

Less drama means less stress.

Less stress means less soda.

Less soda means less weight.

Less weight means more confidence.

More confidence means more happiness.

Fear and Courage are Brothers.

I'm going to do it.

For the first time, I will be the one breaking hearts.

This is SOOOOOO not good for my frame of mind. I feel almost cruel.

And I don't do cruel. I mean, I enjoy teasing people, but if I ever say something that is out of line and/or offensive, I immediately apologize and try to make up for it. It's in the very core of my nature to make sure people are happy. I'm a people pleaser. Which sounds bad, and I have a hard time focusing on what's best for me when my focus is on others. But after years of unhappiness because of others, I've decided to be selfish for a little while.

Which is why I'm breaking up with him. Even though he's a great guy. Even though he has, so far, been one of the few guys to treat me right. But when I'm with him, I don't feel the sense of rightness. I'm not attracted to him physically. At all. And even if it's shallow, there should be at least some physical attraction. In fact I would even venture to say that I'm repulsed by him. I feel horrible about this, but every time he touches me I have to surpress the urge to move away. I hate feeling like that. He deserves someone who will love him just the way he is. Which I can't. I don't.

So now all I need is the courage to tell him to his face that I don't want to be his girlfriend. But I know that if I do this, I will break his heart. And I have to live with that. I have to think of what's best for me right now, and a relationship is not it. Not right now...

I'm done writing for now. I'm tired of over-thinking this and worrying about it. It's time for action. This is your favorite peace-loving, chaos-enduring writer saying thanks for listening.

The Ultimate Zen: Origami.

Origami is good for the soul. lol. At least, for me it is. I spent the majority of my day avoiding all the things I really needed to do [[laundry, homework, shower]] by making origami flower bouquets for the Freshman Spring Sing directors, Weston and Megan.

I don't wanna brag, but I'm pretty beast at origami. =] I made bouquets of lilies for them, and for our Freshman Rep, Amy Kelly, I made lotuses on a board. I really hope they like them... Especially since it took me hours to figure out the best way to present them. lol. But that's not the point.

The point is origami=relaxation. For me. I usually use my origami paper to help myself achieve a goal I set for myself:: to make 1000 paper cranes by the end of the semester. Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to that tedium, you may ask. Well, legend says that if you make 1,000 paper cranes, you get a wish.

Or long life... But I prefer to think I get a wish =D

I'm such an optimist =]=]=]=]=]

But anyways, what I mean to say in this post is this: I love to relax, and I love to do origami to calm my mind. Kind of like when I knit. It gives me a goal that I can focus my mind on instead of the craziness that goes on in my head.

The Peace I Seek.

So normally when I do these things, I make it a blog all about poetry. But I'm going to try something different. Today I'm going to start to blog about my life, and even if nobody reads this but me, it'll still be something I can have for myself.

So if you know me and are reading this blog, you understand that my life has very little peace in it. I'm a whirlwind of color, activity, and randomness. I spend quite a bit of my time in a frenzy, trying very hard to distract myself from the chaos in my mind. See, when things go wrong, when I get stressed or confused, my brain overcompensates by constantly whirling.

I look for peace and happiness in every situation. I get the most joy out of the smallest pleasures: coloring with crayons, watching Disney movies, singing with my friends and dancing around like idiots, even listening to my foster sister laugh. [She's 8 1/2 months old].

This blog is dedicated to trying to calm the thoughts that spin unceasingly through my mind.